I am Dan Bain

Why I will never enter a BDSM relationship with John Key, Prime Minister of New Zealand

I have been watching the news, reading the papers and following various blogs over the last few weeks and have come to a sad and startling realisation. Were I given the opportunity to enter into a BDSM relationship with Prime Minister Key - with or without Bronagh -  I would be forced to firmly decline.

Despite the world of experiences to be found in being John Key’s sub; the delightful power play, the wonders of being restrained and the dance along the boundaries between pleasure and pain, I could not in good conscience accept.

The reason is of course one of trust. When John is flogging me because I have been a bad slave, has tied a string with a 500 gram weight onto my balls to stretch them out, or has his fist in my ass because… um, just because; I want to know that if I say the safe word, he’ll stop, untie me and give me a cuddle.

But I don’t believe he would.

In the last election the NZ public decided to vote for a discipline based relationship. Some because they are masochists and like to be punished, others because they are sadists and figured John would share around his subs when he was done with them.

We chose it. It was consensual. We’re getting what we asked for.

However, when five thousand citizens march on parliament on the issue of asset sales that is the political equivalent of us saying the safe word. It’s time to take a time out, have a quick cuddle and make sure that everyone is still on the same page with what they really want.

And here is why I will never consent to one of John’s play sessions. Because I know that I’ll be sobbing “Poodle! Poodle, dammit! Poodle!” and he’ll just carry on grinning and reaming my ass with a fire extinguisher.

He has a mandate. Sorry New Zealand. You’ve been given a prime ministering.

Actually this isn’t really the behaviour of an elected official at all. It’s that of a king…

King Key.

Diane Revoluta: Something is rotten in the state of New Zealand

writings.

I write in sporadic little bursts. Stutters and jumps. constantly interrrupted by pacing about or looking out the window.

Even when I know what happens next i often can’t just write it down. I gotta mull it over. Stare out the window a bit. Give it some breathing room in the time between being an idea and being concrete words on a page.

I heard a pre-broadcast version of one of my radio plays. I was pretty pleased with it, but they cut the line “Do you have something inserted inside you sir?”
Pity, because it was pretty funny.

Some of you may know I have a play called Stag Weekend that I wrote with Brendon Bennetts It’s getting workshopped by Auckland Playwrights Collective and The Court Theatre.

That’s pretty cool. I guess i’m used to things moving forward pretty quickly, but stage plays seem pretty glacial in their development speed.

Things are weird.
I’ll let you know how they go.

I got directed by a nine year old who was on some course.

He was constantly disappointed that my lines weren’t word perfect.

Sorry little dude.

Excerpt from an upcoming production

• Scene 8: Maria's bedroom.
• (Maria, Martin)
• SOUND: bedsprings.
• MARTIN: The costume looks really great on you Maria.
• MARIA (as batman): I'm not Maria. I'm Batman. Take off your pants.
• MARTIN: Haha. That's really cute.
• MARIA (AS BATMAN): Who hired Joe Cool? Who!
• MARTIN: What's that?
• MARIA (AS BATMAN): You know I'm real tired of people like you making my town filthy.
• SOUND: Maria PunchES martin in the face.
• MARTIN: Aaargh! Oh holy s---. Aaah! My nose! Oh F---! It's bleeding. Owwww, Maria!
• MARIA (AS BATMAN): I said, I'm not Maria, I'm Batman. I also said, take off your pants.