I am Dan Bain

Dan Bain is a comedian, director, actor, writer and general know it all. This is his blog of things.

Why I will never enter a BDSM relationship with John Key, Prime Minister of New Zealand

I have been watching the news, reading the papers and following various blogs over the last few weeks and have come to a sad and startling realisation. Were I given the opportunity to enter into a BDSM relationship with Prime Minister Key - with or without Bronagh -  I would be forced to firmly decline.

Despite the world of experiences to be found in being John Key’s sub; the delightful power play, the wonders of being restrained and the dance along the boundaries between pleasure and pain, I could not in good conscience accept.

The reason is of course one of trust. When John is flogging me because I have been a bad slave, has tied a string with a 500 gram weight onto my balls to stretch them out, or has his fist in my ass because… um, just because; I want to know that if I say the safe word, he’ll stop, untie me and give me a cuddle.

But I don’t believe he would.

In the last election the NZ public decided to vote for a discipline based relationship. Some because they are masochists and like to be punished, others because they are sadists and figured John would share around his subs when he was done with them.

We chose it. It was consensual. We’re getting what we asked for.

However, when five thousand citizens march on parliament on the issue of asset sales that is the political equivalent of us saying the safe word. It’s time to take a time out, have a quick cuddle and make sure that everyone is still on the same page with what they really want.

And here is why I will never consent to one of John’s play sessions. Because I know that I’ll be sobbing “Poodle! Poodle, dammit! Poodle!” and he’ll just carry on grinning and reaming my ass with a fire extinguisher.

He has a mandate. Sorry New Zealand. You’ve been given a prime ministering.

Actually this isn’t really the behaviour of an elected official at all. It’s that of a king…

King Key.